Difficult Relationships

When we feel connections with others or a sense of belonging, our brain produces happy chemicals like dopamine.   Several connecting moments accumulate over time and lead to the relationship.  This process happens between two people, small groups, as large as a room full of people in some cases.  That is why building community activities, often games in the school settings, are both popular and important when the school year starts. Even though some students just rather watch the games, gradually they develop their trust among learning communities.  Sharing laughter often opens the door. 

On a personal level, you might spend time together, walking on a trail, sharing your favorite books, playing cards, etc.  By sharing common experiences, two people feel comfortable with each other.  That is a special feeling as Mariah Carey sings, “We belong together.” 

Unfortunately, some relationships diminish while other relationships survive.  Why does it happen?   How do we make the priority among all relationships that you have in your life?

When we face disagreements or unexpected events that cause problems, we feel uncomfortable.  No one wants to be in an uncomfortable stage.  To escape from conflict, we either pretend nothing has happened or blame the other party.  Obviously, pretending and blaming hurt relationships tremendously.  If these events pile up, do you want to keep that relationship?  Even one episode of your friend blaming you might easily terminate the trust that you have built.  Then, you wonder if that relationship is important to you or if the person or group important to you.  In this screening process, some relationships survive and some don’t.

It comes down to the relationships within yourself.  When you notice some physical and/or emotional discomfort, can you accept it?  Denying your uncomfortable emotions is never healthy.  You might distract yourself by doing something and it works temporarily, but the problematic emotion stays in you.  

Think about a toddler who is severely upset for his lost teddy bear.  Desperate parents would say, “Tommy, here is an ice cream, don’t cry.”  Tommy might stop crying while eating ice cream.  But his teddy bear is gone.  Every time he remembers his teddy bear, do his parents distract him from thinking about his beloved teddy bear?  Instead, hold little Tommy on the lap, a parent help guild Tommy’s emotions, say, “Tommy, it’s so sad, isn’t it?  When we lose something, we are sad.  I know you are angry because we can find your Teddy.  Do you want me to call grandma if Teddy is in her house?”  

Think about Tommy’s story in you as your self-talk.  The lost Teddy is the problem that you are facing in the relationships.  Do you have your advocate in you who tells you, “It is sad, isn’t it? when you had a disagreement with your friend.”  It is okay to feel sad.  Instead of  hiding  or faking your emotions, accept your emotion at a time.  Then, you can explore logical solutions.  If the relationships with the particular person or group is important, you can express your emotions and concerns authentically.  

Speak from your heart.  If your friend listens from his/her heart, that is the kind of relationship that you want to keep.  Authentic relationships overcome hardships because of the willingness of acceptance both in individual and with each other.