Establish the Relationship with "I Notice" Statements

Needless to say, some of the phrases that we adults use when we speak to children are not helpful.  Even if your intentions are good, negative phrases not only discourage these kids, but also unnecessarily hurt them.  I often tell my students about scars.  If you fall and get a scar on your knee, it hurts, but pretty soon it heals.  If you make someone's heart scar, although it is an invisible mark, it will not go away like a physical scar will.

Check this out.  You get one point for each phrase you have ever said to anyone (adults and children included);

1. You are lazy.

2. You are not trying hard.

3. You are not focused.

4. You are always making excuses.

5. You will not good enough.

How many points did you get?  If you have ever used even one, it is time to think seriously about the relationships with the people around you, especially the relationships with children.  First of all, phrases starting with "You" make a "fixed" situation.  These statements define who these children are.  In most cases, these phrases will not encourage children of any fields, in school or in sports.

This week, I would like to challenge you.  Instead of using "You" statements, try to use "I notice" statements.  Describe what kids are doing in as much detail as possible.  If you whisper to the specific person, that is even a plus.  For instance, "Mary, I notice your toes are pointy."  Some researchers suggest including 1 negative "I notice" statement for every 5 positive "I notice statements.  However, I really want you familiarize yourself with the phrase, "I notice" by using it as much as you can.  Kids will be empowered now that you are focusing on them.  If there are too many people in a group, you can plan whom you might focus on each day.  "I notice" statements make kids feel that you care about them.  Soon they want you to notice them more.  Yes, they will start to want to form a relationship with you. 

Another tip for "I notice" statements is related to the use of negative "I notice" comments.  When you make negative "I notice" comments, try to ask the child if they agree.  For instance, "Mary, I noticed your running speed is not fast enough during your vault run.  What do you think you can do next time?"  Mary might say, "I will move my arms faster." Let her try her own solution.  Let her fail.  If Mary is a motivated child, she will come to you, "It doesn’t work.  What should I do coach?"  If Mary is hesitant to ask, you can approach her, "I think you should move your legs higher, etc."  (Notice, the coach starting with "I")

You might feel awkward using  "I notice" statements at first, but pretty soon you will notice and sense a different attitude from the children.  Continue using "I notice" statements for a week.  At the end of the week, write your self-reflection in a journal, starting with 'I notice."  For instance, "I notice I feel more comfortable using 'I notice' statements.  I notice Mary is more eager to improve.  I notice I feel happy when my gymnasts work hard.”  ANYTHING counts! 

Try for a week and comment below if you notice something positive!