Build a Relationship with Yourself

How did your Week 1 “I NOTICE” task go?  Is it working at least a little bit?  If it is, let’s continue to do it this week too!  If you don’t notice any differences yet, let’s keep trying for another week anyway.  It might take a while, but you will become more natural and confident with using the “I notice” phrase.  Now, let’s move onto this week’s topic, “Build a Relationship with Yourself”.

What do I mean by a relationship with yourself?  The common mistake that we often make is an assumption based on our hope.  It is often said that as long as you have a good intention, your communication will properly convey your main message.  This has been proven wrong by hundreds of attempts throughout my education career. Without a positive relationship, you cannot assume your listeners will comprehend what you want to say and perform what you want them to do.

Let’s say I ask a student to open to a notebook page.  “Are you ready to open your book to page 23?” She ignores me.  I say, “Did you hear me?  I said page 23.”  She keeps ignoring.  I become frustrated and my voice gets louder and meaner to the students.  “Excuse me, I am asking you to open to the page.” By this time, I am angry and in a rage.  I am also embarrassed about my inability to control this child.  Although following directions is a student’s responsibility, my voice level and expression didn’t encourage them to want to change their behavior.  Instead, it just escalated it.  As a result, I was more angry.  But did I notice I was angry?

I learned that this vicious cycle can be broken by noticing myself and my emotions. When you experience anger, you cannot make any logical decisions because the “fear, fight, and flight” part of the brain (amygdala) acts up instead of the logical part of the brain (prefrontal cortex).  The only way you can diminish this heated feeling is, first, to notice it.  Being angry is an experience that anyone can feel.  If you practice to notice when this strong emotion arises, you can stop and breathe. Breathing is a tool to calm down.  When you are calm, you can better communicate.  Perhaps, you could whisper into that student’s ear, “Hmmm, I would love to see page 23 when I come back.”  Don’t let your emotions take over. Noticing and embracing your feelings is what it means and takes to build a relationship with yourself.

Yes, through simple practice, you can discover your inner self that you haven’t noticed before. This week, you are going to practice noticing what YOU feel and experience.  Everyday, give yourself 5 minutes for mindfulness practice.  During the 5 minutes, focus on just your breath, simply going in and out.  When you are distracted by thoughts, label them as “thoughts” and revert your focus back to your breath.  This simple exercise helps you to be calm as needed in real scenarios.  Mindfulness apps like Smiling Mind offer guided practice if you wish to be guided.  In fact, every morning, my students and I practice using Smiling Mind as part of our routine (Details in my book, Gift of Gratitude: Lessons from the Classroom).

One week at a time, practice mindfulness by noticing different things like sounds, physical sensations, emotions, and body parts, from your toes to your head.  In each practice, use an “I notice” statement.  For instance, “I notice my heart beating,” “I notice someone talking outside of the room,” “I notice my belly goes up and down,” and, “I notice I am fidgety.”  

If you notice a connectedness to yourself, you are winning!  If you notice there is no change, let’s celebrate too, because you are noticing that something that you expect hasn’t arrived yet!  Enjoy noticing yourself during this 5 minutes of silence, and in addition, notice your learners!